What Granny Looked Like Without Makeup
CHRISTOPHER STEVENS reviews last night's TV: Who wants a house like this? The nearest Greggs is 30 minutes away
Council Business firm Bandy
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Interior Pattern Masters With Alan Car
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SarKY voiceovers are the saving grace of trashy telly. The worst shows can exist rescued by a litany of bitter sneers.
We go on watching to relish the mockery. Come up Dine With Me pioneered the technique. Passenger vehicle Trip perfected it. Only if y'all want to hear a voiceover that ladles not-cease humiliation over anybody on screen, tune in to Council House Swap (C5).
The premise of the series is unproblematic enough. It's house hunting for council tenants, as families take advantage of legislation that allows them to trade rental backdrop.
In the show Council House Swap, two sets of tenants seek go to three viewings before inviting the prospective swapper back for a return viewing, so make the determination nearly whether or not to swap their quango houses
Typically, a couple with a growing brood in a two-bedroom dwelling might promise to swap with someone in a bigger holding who is tempted in turn past the better garden or seaside views of the smaller house.
What makes this different to about belongings programmes is the upkeep. Instead of 'forever homes' costing upwards of half a million, these are rentals at around £100 a week.
The voiceover by Geordie stand-up comedian Lauren Pattison makes sure nosotros know every hire to the penny.
Reckon you can't go a one-sleeping accommodation apartment in West London with its ain nook of garden decking for a weekly £115? Lauren will tell you otherwise, in tones that make no effort to disguise her mixed disbelief and envy.
Geordie stand up-up comedian Lauren Pattison provides the voice-over for the show
But the finances aren't her principal concern. What really gets her vitriol flowing are the tenants — sizing them upwards and slapping them downward.
She looked at a house in Barkby, outside Leicester, and dismissed the idea anyone would volunteer to live there. Never mind the paltry hire of £88 a calendar week — 'the nearest Greggs is a 30-minute walk away'.
Following an amateur artist Jeannie every bit she inspected a firm in South London, Lauren was scathing.
'Walls are a characteristic in almost all homes, you know,' she jibed, equally Jeannie wondered where she could hang her pictures.
And as a couple, Michael and Lucy, made a painstaking inspection of some other potential home, Lauren lost all patience with them: 'Is this still going on?' she wailed.
Here's the shocking thing: I honey the show. The voiceover steers just the right side of plain nastiness, and the tenants do themselves no favours with their guileless sales pitches.
One woman proudly displayed her pantry under the stairs, which was once a washroom. It still had a toilet and bowl, half hidden by packets of pasta.
Another hauled aside her son's grotty mattress to testify us the mess beneath it. 'Oh, I can't await to see this,' muttered Lauren. Judge me all you like, but that'southward exactly how I feel, too.
I was less excited to meet the results on Interior Design Masters With Alan Carr (BBC1) as the contestants paired up to refurbish the common rooms at a secondary schoolhouse in Bristol.
In Interior Design Masters With Alan Carr, contestants paired upward to refurbish the common rooms at a secondary school
At the start of the series, squabbles made the show interesting for those of us who couldn't care less about colour schemes.
At present, though, nobody bickers, the co-performance is faultless and every soundbite is as banal as a tin of magnolia off-white.
'I am here for it!' declared 1 designer. 'I'm bringing it!' announced another. 'I am ready to be fully me!' smiled a third.
The Australian with a beard, Banjo, did have a little wobble when his cork tiles wouldn't lie flat. He revealed that his real name is Brendan but his husband calls him Banjo 'because I'm highly strung'.
Banjo narrowly escaped eviction simply it was Amy and Rochelle, who spent a day scraping fossilised chewing glue off the lesser of a desk, who were dismissed.
That's a pity. The chewing gum was the most entertaining part.
CHRISTOPHER STEVENS: Who wants a house like this? The nearest Greggs is 30 minutes abroad
Source: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10646223/CHRISTOPHER-STEVENS-wants-house-like-nearest-Greggs-30-minutes-away.html
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